Home > therapy-summer09 > Thanks LJ (June 4, 2009)

Thanks LJ (June 4, 2009)

It’s another monologue. I don’t speak to anybody in particular.

I created this LJ to escape the real world, all my daily troubles, all that I am. Tadashi helps me in his way. Sometimes, I crack down and write one of those very joyful entries. I should delete them. I never feel fine when I see them.

Yesterday I began to write an entry about how I was feeling. After 2 or 3 paragraphs I decided to save but all LJ saved was a blank space.
Soooo… I won’t write again what I wrote; I’ll just give the main points:

– I was/am mad at the person who challenged me to talk at the next “group session”
– I don’t want to speak for several reasons:
* I do my best to forget my problems, to put them aside so that I can get back to a normal life. You, you come and ask me to do the exact opposite of what I am trying to do.
* Talking, and even just thinking about talking about all this is painful.
* If I talk, what will happen next? Will my problems be solved? No. I’ll just feel very depressed and sad and hurt and…  Do you know someone in this world who wants to get in that state? I don’t. And I don’t want to try.
* Maybe the reason I don’t want to talk is because I don’t want things to change. Yes. I’m more than done will all this. I’m done trying. If I think about making  things change, it will in a way give me hope. And that’s the last thing I want. Hope. It has been my friend for several years but now I have to live without it because it hurts so much, so much. So much.
– If you want to make a comment or give a feedback, no matter if you think that it’s positive, negative or neutral, I’ll receive it like a blow. You will hurt me.
– Don’t expect me to thank you for your comment or feedback. I never thank people who hurt me.
* I know what I have to do. My mother has been telling me for more than 15 years “make friends!”

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