Home > dating, thoughts > Never again (version 2)

Never again (version 2)

In February, when my depression was at its climax (before I started to look for help), I created an account on one of these dating websites where you can meet people like match.com or eharmony. Before doing anything, I knew I wouldn’t like this kind of websites. There is nothing worst than knowing that someone saw, maybe read your page and left. It’s like doing your grocery shopping. You look at a page, you examine it, look at the pic(s), read the profile and in a second you say “no”, and 2 seconds after you do the same with someone else. Like you’d do when you choose fruits at the supermarket. Except that it’s not fruits but people. On display. I do not like the principle.
I created a page with this in mind:
– I’ll keep my page online for 2 weeks. Not less, even if it’s a nightmare, I’ll just have to try to forget about this page.
– I’ll put on my page 2 pictures of me. <– a challenge to myself.

It was very difficult to know that people could look at my pictures; now it is a little easier, I still don’t “enjoy” it but I made some progress. And there, I put myself on display for 2 long weeks. It’s the only reason I created this account. I didn’t look at all at others’ pages. Not a single one. I wasn’t there for this. I wasn’t there to find someone, anyone. I was there to expose myself to the look of people. This experiment makes me think that I may might be masochist!
My page was very empty: 2 pictures, a very brief and vague description of the movies, music and books I like. Nothing related to the personality – I wouldn’t know what to write anyway. I wrote that I am shy and French.
I didn’t write much but it was enough. The word “French” worked like a magnet. lol Because those who contacted me, they didn’t do it ‘cos of the pictures, nor because of the very succinct descriptions of what I like. It’s amazing how stereotypes are still printed in people’s mind!!

The first comment I received made me cry. It was about my pictures. I thought that it was a real tough start! Wow! I said “2 weeks”, so I tried to keep my words and not delete my account right after this first comment to which I didn’t answer.
The other comments were sent by people who wanted to know me a little more. I didn’t look at the pages of these people. I am not curious or I don’t know if it’s really a lack of curiosity or a way to prevent a conversation. I do used to do that very very often. First it’s always the others who have to start the conversation. Examples?
– Hi, my name is Sophie.                  X: – hi, how are you, what’s your level as a lumberjack?
– Hi, I’m Coco                                      Me: – 92.

– How are you?                                  (X: – I’m level 74)
– Fine.                                                  (the end)
(the end) 

I did the same thing there, I didn’t ask questions about people. I didn’t care (and I never care, yes, I’m selfish) I really didn’t care because all I wanted was to leave my pics online for 2 weeks. Nothing else.
I was too innocent or too nice or not courageous enough but I exchanged messages with a guy who sounded nice and understanding (of what? i don’t know exactly). He suggested a RL meeting/rdv. It made me feel sooooooooo bad for him, so bad. Because I had the feeling that I was unconsciously playing with him – i should have told him that I was there just for the picture but I didn’t know how to bring it in. It took me some time to know what to answer him without hurting him. His answer made me cry like crazy. I don’t remember exactly how he formulated it but he said something like: “the problem is not YOU”. I remember the “YOU” in capital letters. As if he knew. I told him that I was planning to delete my account very soon and that’s what I did.

Any regret? remorse?
Yep. I shouldn’t have created this account AT ALL because people who are there are looking for other people. It wasn’t my case. It gave me the feeling that I was a liar and a cheater.

Moreover, and it is the most important thing:
I should have never done that because I created, as I said above, a situation that triggered anxiety and worries. And it did. Now, I learn  that it is best to avoid all of these negatives things. Why? Because it doesn’t help at all, it just reinforces my anxiety. It *never* works. If it worked, well, how many times did I try to overcome my anxiety or  fear by challenging it? How many times did I put myself in situations I knew in advance would increase my anxiety with the hope that it would help me overcome my anxiety?? Did it work? Did any one of my attempts work? No. Not a single one. If this kind of behavior was a way to feel better, well, I should be more than normal right now!!
I was stupid; but at the time I didn’t know better. I did what I thought was right. I didn’t know that it would do me more harm than good.

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