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Mission accomplished

September 30, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

Well, it wasn’t really an impossible mission nevertheless it goes against my habits. Yesterday morning I set to myself 2 goals: 1)say “hello” first  2)give chocolate to the other members of the group. It looks insignificant but it’s something I never do. I’m shy. I had to force myself, to go over my fear and apprehension. I think I should keep on giving me small challenges – in the book I read; Great book by the way – they give for example: ask questions to people in the street or arrive late on purpose at the movie theater…
Sunday I said “hello” first too to .. I don’t remember her name but I remember clearly that it wasn’t spontaneous at all and that once it was done I was: “yeah! I did it! ” lol

The therapy group session was great. This group is perfect for me. We didn’t talk about superficial, factual things but about what’s really inside us. About how to deal with our secrets: should we tell them? if yes, to whom, how, when… I solved the problem: I have no one to tell my secrets too.
Today there’s a guy who finally said what he had on the chest and when we asked how he feels now, he said “better, relieved”. Next week, we will very probably continue to forge ahead.
I already wrote about it but there is no way I tell them my secrets. No way. It would be like giving them on a golden plate all the weapons to destroy me forever. If I start a little (I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to tell everything) I’d have to leave for good the group right after, and never see them again and go live on Mars or Pluto. And I don’t know if I’ll get to the weather over there; so there is no way I open up. Not now. I need first to stop seeing life like “me against the world”. I need to find a way to trust people because if I don’t I’ll keep on thinking that you are all against me and there is nothing good that can come from you.
So, I’m okay to talk about this. I think. To talk about my fear to open up.

We also mentioned briefly the fact that we lie to ourself. I am well aware that I am fooling myself. I must. To try to get out of this shit, I need strength and there is nowhere I can find it; therefore I pretend that I have this strength. Without it I wouldn’t do anything. There’s 99% of me that is miserable, depressed and hopeless and there’s 1% of me, on top of these 99% that push me, that want to react.
What I do is focus on this tiny 1%, keep it on top, prevent it from being swallowed by the thick and powerful negative 99%. This 1% is a lie. I created from scratch and it will eat little by little these 99%. :-D
I’m split in 2. Amazing.

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