Home > therapy-winter09, thoughts > Session # 4 / loneliness

Session # 4 / loneliness

Another very interesting session. Again, we didn’t talk about what is on the surface but more what’s deep inside us. And again, I share a lot with the other members.
We talked about our feelings. I mentioned that when I decided to getter better, I created from scratch a strong Me. A Me that would pull me up and bring me strength and power. This fake me represents 1% of me. The other 99% are the real me: sad, depressed and totally hopeless, hopeless. I already wrote a little about it in 2 previous posts (see 09/17, 09/30). I have to believe in this 1% and focus my attention on it, on nothing else but it.
As they say: pretend you’re self-confident, friendly, bla bla bla… it’s tough because this 1% is so frail and tiny. Everything depends on it. Everything.
So, I was saying that it’s difficult for me to know what my feelings are because I created this fake me and I need it, not to fool people but to help me.
We also talked about venting, I mean, when you tell what you feel, what you have on your heart to a friend, parent, etc. It didn’t concern me. I have nobody to talk to. I made it that way. No more problem to know how the other will react. :-)

Next time we’re supposed to talk about loneliness.
I don’t like to be lonely. I don’t want to be lonely. But if you ask me if I prefer to be with people or alone in my apartment, I’ll choose “alone in my apartment”. It’s the less dangerous option for me. The worst is not the silence, the stillness of the place or its coldness – by now, I’m used to all this! – the worst is that I can’t share. I’d like to have somebody with whom I could share moments (good or bad), but share. I miss that. I want it so badly. But hey! that’s life!  :-)
How many times did it make me feel sad to realize that I have nobody with whom I could talk about this or that, how many times. A great moment, if it’s not shared loses its greatness and becomes ordinary and drab – little by little there’s a loss of “great” feelings. A bad moment, if it’s not shared increases in its blackness and eats us alive. Any moments and any experiences have to be shared. Even when you spill spaghetti on the kitchen floor or heard something interesting on the radio.
So what happens is that, when somebody I know shows up and asks me “what’s up”, I talk about those things even if they are outdated. I know I do that. I did that with Kashi and Kura when I was still in contact with them. I talked to them about Dofus. The only thing I have, the only thing I can talk about. I also do that with Isa. :-(  They don’t give a shit about Dofus, they don’t care that I’ve found a group of enemies with 5 orange stars but it’s something I wanted to share… but to share it with somebody who would understand because I’m aware that they see me as pathetic because of this. And they’re right, I am pathetic. That’s why after a while I stop talking about Dofus – in  other words, I stop talking, period – because I know that it will always sound out of place. I shut up and keep everything for myself. As always.

The last time I felt very lonely it was at the first U2 concert of this tour. It was like in a movie, when there’s a zoom in or zoom out on you and there’s you, lost in a sea of people, with tears in your eyes. All these couples, all these people, talking, eating, drinking, …and you. Spot the odd one out. Completely disconnected. And it hurts badly.
I just want somebody I can talk to. Somebody, anybody.  But I’m too stupid to allow anyone around me.  :-)
Till then I daydream. I am not seeing people or hearing voices, no, not at all. I just pretend that there are people with me. That is Pathetic!! lol I’ll write a post about this someday. I never talked about this to anyone, well, it’s not surprising!! lol

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