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Session #6

October 21, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

Another great session. As I said before, all the members of this group go through the same things. We follow the same patterns, feel the same things and for the same reasons despite the fact that on the surface our stories can appear very different. We all feel guilty of what happened to us in the past; we all put the blame on us. We all developed our own way to cope with it, to avoid to experience again these events. We all do everything we can to try to forget these traumatic events. But they are still here.

Some people said that several times they hit rock bottom then bounced back and thought they managed to get rid of these negative thoughts for good.
Personally, I think I hit rock bottom just once. And it’s now. Before, I fooled myself, I put these thoughts under a veil and pretended not to see them anymore. It does not work. These thoughts always come back – actually, they never left. I think that for the first time, with this depression, I hit rock bottom – I seriously wanted to kill myself and was about to do it (by the way, I said that to the group. The others didn’t fall as low as I did). I am still at rock bottom. Nothing changed except the fact that I take medicines that prevent me from thinking about killing myself. Beside that, nothing has changed. I’m still down. And I’ve never been that low.

They say that as long as we don’t say what we have on the chest, nothing can change for us. We have to dump to feel lighter and free from what kept us low and turned toward the past. I’ve always said that I can’t do that. It’s too scary. I would be totally defenseless, at the mercy of everybody. Even though people don’t say anything, I know I’d interpret their behavior like an attack against me. You don’t need much to pull me down: just a look, a smile, a movement of the head. And an attack when I’m totally defenseless is fatal.

I have to open my heart and empty it from all that destroy me. It sounds stupid but I don’t know what it is. I know it’s scary to say it but I don’t know what “it” is. My secret? There’s no secret. Everybody can easily guess that I hate myself, despise myself and would be sooooooo glad if I could get rid of me. I’m such a failure. All I do is disappoint myself and people. I can’t find nothing good in me – I tried to find something positive, I did try but there’s nothing.. I can’t kill myself, I can’t run away from myself (I’m clingy :-( ), the only solution left is lobotomy. Because I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t bear myself. It’s hell. And when I think that I try to get out of this shit, I really wonder why because I don’t deserve it at all. Oh no. I’m not worth all this. I’m the kind of person who never forgive and never forget. I never forgive people nor myself. And you can be sure that one day or another (tomorrow or in 20 years), I’ll take my revenge. I have no pity for myself. I don’t try to get out of this situation for me. I have only 2 options: die or live, but live better. So, I’m working to live better. I’m so pathetic. I don’t have any pity for myself, I deserve all this. I should prospect to find a job – go to interviews and “sell myself”. When I heard this, “sell myself”, I immediately thought: “oh, I don’t sell myself. I give myself away for free. You can keep that. For ever. I want to get rid of that”. I appreciate myself so much that when I picture myself in my mind I don’t see the real me. I see a girl with another face and another body. They’re not like mine; they are not great either, they are different and acceptable. I unconsciously do this maybe to make life easier for me. It’s a way for me to escape from myself maybe and forget what I look like. I really really don’t like my body. Plus I’m stupid and good at nothing. I challenge you to find one good thing in me. One. Good luck.

The worst in all this is that I spend my days alone…with myself. I can’t bear that. I can’t be myself. I don’t like myself. I want to be fine. And I can’t even take comfort in people since I fear them. They hate me and can be nothing else but malicious and they are right. I hate myself, so why wouldn’t they hate me too?

I am in peace nowhere.
I don’t know where to go. I can’t live with people and I can’t live with myself. I’m fine nowhere. I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere. Where should I go? Where can I go? There is no one I can turn to. No one. I’m constantly tense. All I ask for, all I want and I’d give ANYTHING to get it is 5 seconds in the arms of somebody, anybody and feel in peace and protected there. 5 seconds. I ask for too much. I know. I should be more rational but I can’t help it. If I change my objectives and be more down to earth, I’d be lying to myself because all I want on earth are these 5 seconds. I don’t think I’ll ever get them. I don’t know how to get them.

Is that what they want to hear during our group therapy? There’s nothing particular, no big revelation. This story is very common. I don’t see what else I could say. I don’t see anything else.

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  1. January 29, 2011 at 9:05 pm

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