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November 13, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

Okay, now that I have decided to seize the opportunity given by my depression to react and change, it’s time I officially try to find alternatives to the patterns that maintain me in my plight and fuel my ANTS.
I noticed some recurrent problems:

** When I’m outside and there’s a lot of space all around me, I feel like everybody is looking at me. I feel paranoid. At restaurants, I’m okay now, no problems at all but just going out to pick up the mail is…pff..  These are ANTS. It makes me feel bad and it gives me the feeling that everybody is against me. I’m at their mercy.

Solution –> I have to look around me, look at people and realize that they don’t give a shit about me, they probably didn’t notice me. I already tried and it works. SOLVED
** I’m shy. I’m scared to be the first one to act. My fear to see that people won’t like what I do or say makes me quiet. I just long to be appreciated.

Solution –> Act. And take initiative. Go for it.
Problem with my solution: If I act like everybody, put my shyness aside, I feel like I am the meanest person on earth. “If I do something that you don’t approve or like, you can go to hell, I do not care At All”. That’s what I think and it’s not a healthy thought. lol  because it puts me back against people. Me against the world. So…. I don’t know what to do.

Solution –>
** Clothes. With my acne, there are a lot of clothes I can’t wear. Since I can’t get rid of my acne, the only solution left is to hide it. I don’t want to expose my acne and scars to people and I’m sure people don’t want to see them either. Unfortunately, I can’t hide my face. Sorry guys.

Solution –> No more V-necks and no more sleeveless t-shirts. Ever. I’ll send all my V-necks to my mom for Xmas. Most of these V-necks were given to me by my mom actually as if she didn’t notice that I couldn’t wear them. It’s not that I often wear V-necks, I wear them maybe once or twice a year and most of the time, I have to put a foundation cream on my chest to hide what can be hidden. So from now on I have to buy t-shirts with long (short) sleeves only. I have to say good bye to my (Red) shirts! ;_; I like them although I wore one just twice. In the end, I’ll be able to wear all the clothes I’ll have in my closet. SOLVED
** Procrastination. Lack of motivation.  I do nothing. No matter what I do, it’ll suck. Whether I work my ass off or do as little as possible, the result will be the same: crappy. So I choose the easiest solution: do as little as possible. It’s linked with self esteem of course.

Solution –>
** I am convinced that people are against me, make fun of me and ready to humiliate me. It’s The boss of ANTS. It’s simple: I am unlovable. I don’t like myself therefore nobody can like me. I think that people see me as I see myself. And it’s not a pretty sight. If someone pays attention to me (people can make mistakes), it’s only to hurt me, nothing else.

Solution –>
** Aggressiveness. I am aggressive with people, I’m cold, distant and heartless. Why? That’s how I protect myself, I anticipate or react to their attacks. Most of the time, I think they are unaware that they attack me.
Example at the Renaissance Faire: Marine looked at a dress and told me that it would fit me well. I told her “hey! don’t make fun of me!” with a joking tone (although I wasn’t joking, deep inside me), I don’t think I sounded serious at all. But she answered in a serious tone: “I am not making fun of you”. Just the tone of her voice indicated that she didn’t take my remark as a joke.

Solution –>

Oh, so much work to do.

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