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First time

January 27, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

This semester, I decided that I’ll try to talk about myself during the therapy sessions and also to cope with comments and critics. On the second meeting, I said a thing or two, nobody reacted. Perfect. Then X said that what I said passed unnoticed (that was perfect) and that he’s curious to know what the others have to say in return. It’s A, a newbie in the group who made my cry. It was the first time I cried at those meetings. How can somebody dare to tell you what you can or cannot do without knowing you at all?? Who is she to tell me that I can write my thesis? Who is she to tell me that I’m wrong and that she’s the one who’s right? She made me cried because she reminded me of what I am – empty and unable to do anything.
Yes, I don’t want to face reality and prefer to in my bubble; I prefer to be happy ignoring everything that is bad than sad, depressed and hopeless in the real world with my real issues. That’s why I don’t want to talk about my future or thesis. I don’t have a future. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know what I can do. I have NO idea whether I’ll be in the US or in France in June (and I’d be back for good), I don’t know. I don’t want to think about this. I don’t want. I have no goal in life. No reason to do anything; no reason to be. It would be cool if I could find a little something to which I could hold on to but there’s nothing, nobody.
I need self-esteem and a reason to live. Simple. -_-

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