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It felt good

February 18, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

A therapy session was canceled because of the snow. On the following one, I talked about myself, about my urge to get some self-esteem. At this point, if it could come in a Huge box, it would be awesome. Anyway. *sigh* John asked me to tell them when I had self-esteem the previous week. I thought a little while and then I remembered I baked a cake. And it didn’t burn at all ^.^ So yeah, I baked a cake – and I’m everything but a cook.
What they wanted to show me is that I have self-esteem but I don’t recognize it. I don’t see it. It doesn’t help me much – how come I can’t see it? Why do I do that to myself? I need it so badly!!
They also gave me some ideas in order to realize that I am not that bad. For instance I have to keep on reminding myself of all the little things I do now I didn’t do before. Those are marks of progress. I used to do that at the beginning, I stopped doing it, I shouldn’t have. I also put back on my walls signs I took off before my parents came to visit me – signs that remind me for instance to say “maybe”, to kill the ANTS, etc. I’m back.

What I took from this session was that I have to keep on doing what I’m doing and be patient.

They say I’m on the good track and I have to hold and be patient. It comforted me. A lot.

I started all this process less than a year ago; and I’ve been feeling awful for years and years. Be patient. I am. But it’s tough though with self-esteem because there’s nothing you can do to get it, you know? I can’t work on this and hope that after a while it’ll work. There’s nothing to work on with this. I just have to do what I do and hop it’ll pop up by itself and stick to me.

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