Mea Culpa

I haven’t shown signs of life for more than a month – I plead guilty.
It was probably a phase in my life where I didn’t feel like writting at all.
So, what’s up since my last post?

  • I spent four days in Las Vegas – alone, of course. I took an helicopter to go down the Grand Canyon, I took a picture with 2 ‘Elvis’ and I won 20$.
  • I installed Skype on my laptop, so now, I can talk to and see my parents everyday. Awesome! lol
  • I finally bought a copy of THE book about AvPD:  Distancing: Avoidant Personality Disorder, Revised and Expanded by Kantor. I call it “my biography”. You find in this book my deepest and most secret thoughts, how I act, react, think and why. You read this book – you know me more than anybody else. Oooh Scaryyy!

Okay, I do have the feeling that I’m on a stand-by mode, that I’ve stopped making progress. One thing is certain: I’m less paranoid. I do stuff without caring about what others may think but, as I read in the second great book about AvPD written by Kantor, it makes me feel very uncomfortable and especially mean. Yes, mean. I’ll try to find the passage where Kantor mentions this little problem.

What else? I go to meditation sessions every week, I also go to group therapy sesssion every week.In a nutshell, they tell me that I’m too demanding, that I expect too much from myself and that I have self-esteem. They also say that I still don’t give a chance to people to know me (what I hear: “give a chance to people to hurt me”).
To shake up things I plan to tell them my deepest secrets/shame. I kind of rehearse at home and there’s no way I can do that without crying. Just writing this brings tears in my eyes.
Did I forget something?

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