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He shouldn’t have…

… kept it for himself. The therapist who told me that he hasn’t diagnosed that I was suffering from AvPD.
This guy, I don’t expect anything from him. To be honest, most of the time, I think I’d be a better therapist than him. I remember that once he asked me if I was perfectionist. I’m everything but perfectionist. I know oooh too well, that I can’t reach perfection, actually my goal is to just to reach the “acceptable” level. He made a wrong assumption. It can happen to everybody. And that’s what he did again suggesting that I don’t suffer from AvPD. This guy is smart. It’s when I feel confident and certain about something that he tries to destabilize me and make me doubt.

The thing is that I’d gladly take a test to check whether I have AvPD or not. Because I know I have this disorder. I spent the first individual therapy sessions quoting to the therapist the book about AvPD and this almost word for word. And this, **before** I discovered about AvPD. I talked about things very specific about AvPD too – it wasn’t vague at all – I talked about “avoiding” people, I talked extremely briefly about my imaginary worlds, about the …. well, you know. lol I’m not “just shy”. No, no. — Yesterday, when I went horse back riding, there were people who were shyer than me; I mingled with the others pretty well. I did well. ^.^  It’s a strange feeling. It’s like I pretend to be ok, to be normal among normal people and most of the times it works but inside of me, I know I’m not like them.
Here’s my interpretation of the situation: the therapists think that I use the AvPD as a pretext to limit my expectations, my progress, and everything else. AvPD is in no way a barrier to my progress. On the contrary, it helps me a lot to know on what I have to work on. As I wrote in a previous post, there are “avoidants” who are married with kids and who have a great job! There are, of course, different level of tolerance but that’s precisely what I have to change. I’ll stay avoidant all my life but if I keep on working hard, I can make it more liveable.

There’s one more thing. I can’t believe I never thought about it before. I can’t believe the therapist didn’t tell me that before either. These (AvPD) symptoms were mostly noticeable when I was suffering from severe clinical depression, when I thought about killing myself. In other words, when I wasn’t myself, I developed a lot symptoms that can be compared to those of AvPD. I haven’t stopped making progress since I started therapy and taking my medications. My therapist also told me that what I consider as AvPD symptoms don’t come from me but from my environment. I spent my childhood alone, with no friends, I discovered that my father’s parents were alive when I was 12, I saw my grand-parents twice a year, we received guests at home twice a year….that’s how I was raised. Isolated. In contact with a limited number of people. That’s how I am. That’s why it’s difficult for me to get out and be around people.
I don’t buy it. No. This isolation during my youth, well, as it is said in The book about AvPD, it is a triggering element of this disorder. …. but the depression made it worse; no doubt about it.

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