Home > avoidant, thoughts > The psychoanalyst said …

The psychoanalyst said …

October 13, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

Yesterday, I saw my psychoanalyst – he is just the one who prescribes me my anti-depressants; he does not take part in my group therapy sessions. I told him that several months ago – when I was actually beginning my group therapy – that I made my own diagnostic: I was suffering from  Avoidant Personality Disorder); that I found by chance a web page about Avoidant Personality Disorder and there was not a single paragraph that did not describe me, exactly (I wrote a post about it, at the time). The psychoanalyst was polite, he let me explained how I discovered about AvPD and then, as soon as I was done talking he said with a smile: “you are not avoidant. You keep eye-contact, you are smiling… just by looking at you right now I can tell you are not avoidant.”

He destroyed my world.

He said that the symptoms I recognized (I can’t find another word that ‘recognize’) were very probably caused by the depression and that there were probably symptoms of social anxiety than symptoms of a personality disorder. Worsened by the depression, of course. I understand that it wasn’t the most appropriate time to make a self-diagnosis à I was taking at the time Wellbutrin and it wasn’t that great, to say the least. It seems that the psychoanalyst wanted to reassure me: you’re normal. It does not reassure me At All. Tell me how come I know deep deep deep inside of me that I have AvPD? How can I be so wrong? So wrong about myself? And for so long? That is not reassuring at all. Trust me.

I never imagined that the therapists who, at almost everything session, told me that my behavior is not the behavior of avoidants, could have been right. To me, sorry to say that but it was pure bullshit. It entered one ear and it was out by the other in a second. And they kept on insisting, bringing it back whenever they could. I always thought that they didn’t know what it was like to be an avoidant but this time, it’s a psychoanalyst with a PhD who’s supposed to have some knowledge about personality disorders. I never wanted to listen to what the therapists were telling me; they knew it; they even told me about it lol. Actually, I asked the psychoanalyst for a diagnosis, not because I was doubting (I could have bet my life that I had/have AvPD) but to prove my two therapists that they were wrong. :-/  Oops!

Here’s my logical deduction – if these people are right:
– I used AvPD as an excuse
– I didn’t want to face the truth
– Therefore, I stayed in my cocoon
– As long as I don’t free myself from this AvPD I’m stuck

All this implies one: I haven’t done anything yet  O.o
I cry now or I wait 2 minutes?! That’s a lot to take at once. I need to think.

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