Still learning

I don’t feel bad or anxious anymore when I go to my group therapy sessions. I don’t know why – I think it’s my medication that does that – but I feel fine. Meditation helps me too. Oh yeah, meditation*. Last Wednesday I decided to reiterate an experience I did several month ago with a different group of people. Back then it was a “first time” for me, I wanted to see how I would react, whether I would “survive” or not with the idea that I shared my biggest secret with people. This time I did it again to know what people think of my secret. What secret? Ha ha. I already made a post about it this past summer. Although it’s not easy to talk about it – I really really have to overcome my fear and shame, it’s getting easier and easier. Actually, I had to explain it all over again to a member who arrived late to the session -.-  so, in all, I explained it three times in therapy session. I realized that we all have our little secrets, that it’s not something that I wanted to have/be, that it’s not my fault and that I focus my attention way way too much on this – very probably because it was one of my biggest issues (and my biggest shame) during my teens and early twenties, as you can imagine. It’s not something I can control, I did my best and now, I have to say to myself “it’s not my fault”. It makes me feel better, it’s hard to explain but this “it’s not my fault” relieves me of a weight even though I know it’s not my fault! So odd. O.o

* The “mini meditation retreat” was, contrary to what I expected, not for people who wanted to meditate and meditate and meditate and meditate. This retreat was more for newbies in meditation than for experienced people. It was okay though, we had 3 short mini sessions of meditate (2 minutes, then 5 then 10 minutes) and we were also introduced to the practice of Tai Chi. We were about 30-35 people there. I had no problem to interact with people. I was “Hi! Can I join you?!” with a big smile on. You got to be very mean to say “No” to that! lol Plus people who meditate (is there a word for “people who meditate” like “meditator” “medi..”?? my mind is blank right now) are known to be peaceful and nice. They don’t bite either (most of them are vegetarian ^.^).

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