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At my own pace

February 26, 2011 Leave a comment

A girl who attended for a whole semester group therapy with me about 2 or 3 semesters ago is back in a group therapy with me. She said that she was amazed how better I look compared to the last time she saw me. She could notice the differences, she could notice that I made some progress, that I appear more open, that I’m smiling, crack jokes here and there and talk more easily. She had no particular reason to talk about me, she said what she thought and she thought my situation has improved. As I agree with her, I accepted her compliment and well, that’s what I do mainly during these group therapy, I realize how much I’m better than before, I become more aware of all the things I went through, all the things I’ve achieved and also, all the things I’m working on. It’s a work in progress. It’ll be a work in progress for all my life, like for everybody. But I have to admit that these sessions boost my mood and my self-esteem, self-confidence, well, my self-Everything. It feels good, it’s much appreciated.

You know, I begin to realize only now, that even this depends on me. I remember during last session, I said something like “I don’t like myself” and one therapist answered to that that I wouldn’t be there, I wouldn’t have pushed my limits and gone to all these sessions (I only missed one (I was in Las Vegas) in 6 semesters) and decided to get out of my comfort zone if I didn’t care and didn’t like myself. It never occurred to me that despite my conviction that I don’t like myself, I actually do. And it wasn’t the first time that the (poor) therapist told me that but it’s the first time that I listened to him. It seems that, no matter what you tell me, I’ll process it only when I’ll be ready and willing to process it. I did that before, with the Avoidant Personality Disorder; it was only when I was fed up of them telling me that I didn’t have this disorder that I accepted the idea that maybe maybe they were right. Why don’t I listen to them and use my brain in real time and not have an epiphany several months later.

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Almost hypochondriac

December 6, 2010 Leave a comment

I found online a page where a person had some doubts:

Rancid Pantaloons
I stumbled upon covert Narcissism in Wikipedia and I noticed that the personality description for covert narcissism is very similar to my own personality. It pretty much matched on all points. I also took some test that I found. The tests suggested that I am an covert narcissist.I stumbled upon it because some people in my life suggested that I lack empathy and I know it is true. I always try to compensate for it though. I really lack empathy and I have huge problems connecting with people. It is really painful to see how I really am so that makes me feel sorry for myself. There is so much more. I found a text file about the subject in my language and I did match most of the criteria. Is this something I should take seriously? Do you guys ever feel that you have an illness when you read about it? Maybe I am just stupid or weird? are there any way I can now for sure if there is something wrong with me? How can I get help for this kind of things?

Yoj
I wouldn’t worry about it. When i was studying psychology we had to look at clinical assessments of various illnesses, there’s a big book with them all in, and they list the symptoms, if you have 75% of the symptoms then it was worth following up as a likely illness. And whenever you read them you think “that’s me!”.

I wish I’d read Yoj’s entry a long time ago. >.<  Indeed, it seems that these medical and clinical descriptions will all make us hypochondriac. At least it worked with me, and almost for “Rancid Pantaloons”. I was deeply convinced that I had avoidant personality disorder – I could have bet my life on it. I’m not joking. I could have also added several more disorders such as OCD, paranoïa and social anxiety (this last one might be true, but I don’t care). But! but!! I was right! ^_^ I had clinical depression! So there!
It seems that we could all be diagnosed with disorders. But in reality, we just have bits of this, bits of that but few do really have the real disorder. Those who are already too sensible can easily believe that they have a disorder. So gullible! If you ask me I’d tell you that they are not that gullible but .. I can’t find the word. It’s a sign of a pre-existing feeling of weakness,  I think.
I say that, but there’s a guy in our group who told us that he has been officially diagnosed and has Asperger’ syndrome. That is really Not cool.

Positive things of the past weeks

October 20, 2010 Leave a comment

1) My new blog. I ♥ it. What’s great is that I found how to integrate elements that originally could not be integrated in a free WordPress blog. I’m awesome. I know ;-)  I love to create blogs. ^_^
2) I got a free flu shot and I won a t-shirt and a freesby. lol
3) I got a mole removed. I didn’t feel anything. It was bothering me a lot, in my back. I’m sure that one day I’d have scratched it by accident.
4) I received my re-approval form for my survey. Alleluia! I didn’t have to plead my case over and over again – it was accepted the first time I asked for the re-approval.
5) I saw Kung Fu Panda. Great funny movie. Better than I thought it would be.
6) I broke my record: I meditated for one hour with Clare (and Paul). She brought me a pen and a soap from her trip to India. Really nice of her.
7) I almost forgot >.< : according to my therapists, psychoanalyst and parents, I don’t have Avoidant Personality Disorder. Although I don’t really see only the “positive things” in this, I added it to this list.
8) I saw again the love of my life (lol): my dentist. He’s the Best dentist in the Whole Universe!
9) I go to the gym and there I listen to an audio-book.
10) I went to a meet-up party and invited Marine there.
11) I took a picture with Daffy Duck!
12) As a Tomb Raider fan (I didn’t miss any Lara Croft game), I began to play at Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light – thanks to my dad. I tamed my parents so well that now, it’s thanks to them that I know what happens in the world of U2 and Lara Croft.

From darkness to …

October 19, 2010 Leave a comment

Click on this page and click again and again and again.

—-

I told my parents that I don’t have AvPD. They were: “Ah..AvPD?…ah yes, you talked about it before ( >.< ) …so…you’re relieved?”

I think that’s enough to show that they have No idea of what it meant/means to me. We live in a different galaxy.

Time to sort things out

October 17, 2010 Leave a comment

Okay, I can’t completely and in the blink of an eye forget about this AvPD. First because I can’t and second because I don’t want to. I don’t want to because despite the fact that it turned out to be a “wall”; it turned out to be, as well, a precious help. It pointed at the symptoms I have to work on. I was both lucky and unlucky to have found about this disorder. All the books I read about this disorder they, at the same time, improved and worsened my plight. I learned a lot from them and from now on, I should only see the good advices they gave me. And only that.

As a member of the group said: I am not just defined by a disorder or a disease. “A” also said that the AvPD was my central core, what remains stable within me no matter what. Except that now, the psychoanalyst destroyed it with one word.

Cast off!

October 14, 2010 Leave a comment

I talked about my discussion with the psychoanalyst during the group session. It is needless to say that the therapists were absolutely not surprised to hear that I don’t have AvPD; actually they had this smile on that says: “see, I told you”.

When I started group therapy, I began to work on my own self and I also began to put things in practice – less shy, more welcoming, less judgmental and negative, etc. Small steps. Just small steps that would in the end lead to a wall I was building at the very same time I was trying to make these small steps. What is this wall? AvPD. It was my excuse – no matter what I would do, in the end, it wouldn’t work because of the AvPD. I think that’s what happened: at the same time I was building a wall around me and making small steps towards recovery (that would be stopped by the wall).

One of the therapist told me that maybe I needed this “wall” at the time, I needed this protection and now that I feel better and made some progress (because I did!), it’s time for me to let it go. What I just did on Tuesday was to open up my eyes and see this “AvPD wall”, I’ve spent months to build it up; now it’s time to break it down. Errr… any idea how to do it?! lol because right now, it’s like I have to convince myself that I don’t have my right arm. I can see it, touch it, bite it..but No! it’s not here! I have a lot of (not to say “all”) symptoms of AvPD but No! I’m not avoidant.

They also said that contrary to what I said, I don’t have to start all over again, it’s just another step. A big step. There should be manuals on how to do those stuffs, no, seriously. Or better: a magical pill! He added that now, life should be more exciting without this brake on. I got the feeling that every second that goes by, I lose more and more my English so I’ll stop here for now.

The psychoanalyst said …

October 13, 2010 Leave a comment

Yesterday, I saw my psychoanalyst – he is just the one who prescribes me my anti-depressants; he does not take part in my group therapy sessions. I told him that several months ago – when I was actually beginning my group therapy – that I made my own diagnostic: I was suffering from  Avoidant Personality Disorder); that I found by chance a web page about Avoidant Personality Disorder and there was not a single paragraph that did not describe me, exactly (I wrote a post about it, at the time). The psychoanalyst was polite, he let me explained how I discovered about AvPD and then, as soon as I was done talking he said with a smile: “you are not avoidant. You keep eye-contact, you are smiling… just by looking at you right now I can tell you are not avoidant.”

He destroyed my world.

He said that the symptoms I recognized (I can’t find another word that ‘recognize’) were very probably caused by the depression and that there were probably symptoms of social anxiety than symptoms of a personality disorder. Worsened by the depression, of course. I understand that it wasn’t the most appropriate time to make a self-diagnosis à I was taking at the time Wellbutrin and it wasn’t that great, to say the least. It seems that the psychoanalyst wanted to reassure me: you’re normal. It does not reassure me At All. Tell me how come I know deep deep deep inside of me that I have AvPD? How can I be so wrong? So wrong about myself? And for so long? That is not reassuring at all. Trust me.

I never imagined that the therapists who, at almost everything session, told me that my behavior is not the behavior of avoidants, could have been right. To me, sorry to say that but it was pure bullshit. It entered one ear and it was out by the other in a second. And they kept on insisting, bringing it back whenever they could. I always thought that they didn’t know what it was like to be an avoidant but this time, it’s a psychoanalyst with a PhD who’s supposed to have some knowledge about personality disorders. I never wanted to listen to what the therapists were telling me; they knew it; they even told me about it lol. Actually, I asked the psychoanalyst for a diagnosis, not because I was doubting (I could have bet my life that I had/have AvPD) but to prove my two therapists that they were wrong. :-/  Oops!

Here’s my logical deduction – if these people are right:
– I used AvPD as an excuse
– I didn’t want to face the truth
– Therefore, I stayed in my cocoon
– As long as I don’t free myself from this AvPD I’m stuck

All this implies one: I haven’t done anything yet  O.o
I cry now or I wait 2 minutes?! That’s a lot to take at once. I need to think.