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Blind date

November 29, 2011 3 comments

My friend is trying to find a man for me. She is registered on several online dating websites to find the man of her life (again) and the father of her future kids so she’s been going to a lot of dates. And there’s me who never had a date. Maybe she feels bad for me or maybe I make her feel bad about herself, I don’t know but one of her plans is to find somebody for me. She’s really into men; when we are in a bar or a restaurant she’s spotting the potential interesting guys..something I never do. So, one day she sent me a message saying she dated a guy who would be perfect for me and she would like the two of us to meet. After several very insisting messages, I finally gave in. That was two weeks ago so I imagine all this fell through and belongs now to the past. But it’s okay with me for the most important in all this is that I finally accepted (under pressure) to go to a blind date. A first for me. And that’s progress. :-D

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Of this and that

June 11, 2011 Leave a comment

It seems that May-June(-July?) is The time in the year where I am the least inspired to write. Nothing special happens during these months maybe, who knows?

So, to sum up a little about my situation: I am still taking 25 mg of Celexa. It works Perfectly well; no reason to change. I haven’t been to an individual therapy session for over a year now. I only go to group therapy once a week for an hour and a half. There, there is no particular topic I feel the need to tackle. I think I have a rather good idea of what to do 1) to get even better 2) in case of setback. I enjoy life’s little pleasures here and there: I go horseback riding, I meditate, I watch F1 races on TV, I go to the restaurant (and never forget to order a cheesecake), go to the movie theater for free, etc. I indulge myself, to put it simply. :-D

My depression definitely belongs to the past. The only thing left I have to do is have a serious conversation with my parents – not on the phone nor on Skype, of course…that means not before September, October. Maybe by then I’ll be ready for this talk.

On a different note,  my new friend (is she still my new friend? Man, I should really force myself to answer to the messages she leaves on my answer machine) Well, I was saying that she left me a message: she may have found a guy for me.  O.O   How am I supposed to tell her not to bother because my case is hopeless?! No, really, I mean, it’s nice from her but there’s no way, not now, not yet. I’m not ready yet, I’m not yet at the chapter “Thinking about having a boyfriend” even though she thinks I am. Interesting, hmm.

Positive things of the week

March 18, 2011 Leave a comment

1) I went to my yoga class. The instructor must have read my previous entry about the combination Hatha Yoga/Country music because this time she played a more appropriate CD during  the class. We had a relaxing music instead. Yet, yoga is not my thing. I prefer meditation by far.
2) Three months after my Lasik eye surgery, I have a 20/15 vision. It means that I can read a letter at 20 feet (6 meters) that a person with normal vision would have to come up to 15 feet (4.50 meters) to read. 20/20 is commonly used for a pilot’s license and 20/40 for a driver’s license. I could be a pilot!!! lol
3) I spent a day at a ski resort for free. It was awesome! Ah. I just realized that one of the guys who was with us and who snowboarded is one of the radio hosts.
4) The snow keeps on melting. Yes, there’s still snow out there.
5) I’m still holding out and haven’t drunk anything else but water, tea, hot chocolate or orange juice since I finished my 28-day soda challenge.
6) I’m not any more on this online dating website. It was just an exercise as I said. I did it; and like yoga, it’s not my thing either.
7) Somebody told me today: “Have a glorious day”. It’s more than I could have hoped for!

..and as said Flynn: “Don’t mess with my Zen thing, man”.

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Online dating website

October 26, 2010 Leave a comment

I’m still on this online dating website. Here is how I see things:

Good points:

  • I have to try to talk about myself and my interests (so far, I haven’t found many besides U2 and chocolate). I really seriously need to work on that: what to say about myself? what do I like? *mind goes blank* *sigh*
  • I dare put pictures of me online. And those who don’t do so, well, they are cowards!!! Because if I can do it, anybody can do it!
  • I dare “notify” (lol) a guy that I like his profile. That’s new to me. So, that’s great!
  • I don’t panic (too much) when I receive emails.
  • I answer emails. ^_^ You would think that’s normal, but it’s not – not for me, at least. It is not easy to make a conversation out of thin air!!

Not so good points :

  • there is NO way I’ll meet anybody. I don’t want to. won’t have the guts to do it.
  • I always “connect” with guys who live faaaaaaaar away. They are not in my state actually. lol The further one lives in Maine! So, the day they want to arrange a real life meeting, …we can wait. And that suits me extremely well!
  • it’s just an exercise for me. Poor guys. I’m wasting their times.
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Déjà vu

September 7, 2010 Leave a comment

I know that I repeat a same pattern, I know it and I would like to break this vicious cycle. As a therapist told me last time: I plant flowers ( :-D ) in sand. ( :-// ) – so despite all my efforts, the flowers can’t bloom instead they die pretty quickly. That’s why “it” doesn’t stick with me. He told me that as long as I don’t find a way to get rid of my ANTS, I won’t be able to make progress. He gave me a few examples of my ANTS: I”ll end up like a crazy cat lady, nobody can ever be interested in me, I’m ugly, why try to do something whereas I know that I’ll fail, etc..(he knows rather well, doesn’t he?)  As long as I have those thoughts in mind, I can’t progress.
This is not new, I talked about this issue in several entries — whether I have to lie or not to myself since I sincerely deeply believe that all this is true. I know where is the problem but I don’t know what to do nor how to do it.

I registered again – >.<  don’t scream – on one of those dating websites. It’s the second time I do that. Last time, I swore I’d never do it again. And guess what? Pfff..
I hate when I do that!! I hate it.
I can’t make up my mind. I can’t accept the fact that I’ll spend my life alone. But at the same time, I know deep deep inside me that nobody will ever be interested in me and that I’ll never let anybody approach me (too ashamed of myself). I have to accept it though. I have to. It’s tough to let it go.  It’s in internal fight between my heart and my mind.
So, I registered and this time, there’s almost no problem to put online a picture of myself, I look at profiles, answer questions here and there and that’s it. I know I won’t allow anything else. And since, there’ll be nothing else, that’s perfectly fine. I still don’t understand why people contact me. My profile is as empty as the first profile I wrote several months ago. It’s the “French” touch that interests them. Poor guys.

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Never again (version 2)

August 7, 2009 Leave a comment

In February, when my depression was at its climax (before I started to look for help), I created an account on one of these dating websites where you can meet people like match.com or eharmony. Before doing anything, I knew I wouldn’t like this kind of websites. There is nothing worst than knowing that someone saw, maybe read your page and left. It’s like doing your grocery shopping. You look at a page, you examine it, look at the pic(s), read the profile and in a second you say “no”, and 2 seconds after you do the same with someone else. Like you’d do when you choose fruits at the supermarket. Except that it’s not fruits but people. On display. I do not like the principle.
I created a page with this in mind:
– I’ll keep my page online for 2 weeks. Not less, even if it’s a nightmare, I’ll just have to try to forget about this page.
– I’ll put on my page 2 pictures of me. <– a challenge to myself.

Read more…

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