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Positive things of the week

October 8, 2011 Leave a comment

1) I had my very first manicure. It was on my bucket list. Check!
2) The French IRS will refund me again whereas they never never make refunds. :-)
3) I received a refund check from my university. I don’t know why they refund me… but I’ll cash it anyway.
4) Still no soda for me since February. :- D
5) I went to NYC and visited the World Trade Center Memorial with its pools. Great birds there.
6) I saw a free screening of Footloose at my regular movie theater. The movie is better than I expected it to be.
7) I decreased the dosage of Celexa and I don’t feel any change (yet).
8) I bought a hot dog from a street vendor in NYC. It was on my bucket list too. Check!
9) I am still doing fine without therapy.
10) and last but not least: I dropped of college. Yeah!! lol Bye bye doctoral thesis!! I won’t miss you.

There’s survey and… survey

August 11, 2011 Leave a comment

In case you did not know it yet, well, big news: life is unfair.

I found a blog entry where the blogger asks elementary school teachers to fill up a survey for his/her thesis in Science of Education. Of course, I looked at the survey – it was very basic… and when you think that it took Me months and months to be allowed to do a survey for my Ph.D. thesis, survey that had to be completed by teachers too. Actually, this survey was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was during those months, struggling to be able to give this survey that I fell in clinical depression. It is still difficult for me to see the word “survey”…now it is synonymous of nightmare to me.

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Previous Post

March 13, 2010 Leave a comment

I am finally done. I listened to the 80 verses of the Tao something. About 10-15 are relevant to me – I kept them and now I’ll try to get the book and scan the pages that interest me the most.
On Friday Marine came to my place – we went out for a walk by a beautiful weather. It’s only today that I realized that I totally forgot to remove the papers and signs on my walls with texts like “Stop beating yourself up”, “Do not compare yourself with others” or “Stay rational, go neutral on your thoughts”. And it was impossible for her not to see them. >.<  So was polite, though, she didn’t mention them at all.
This week my main advisor and I received a letter saying that my dissertation proposal has been accepted by the Graduate Center. We submitted the proposal in early December. It took them 3 months to say “Okay. Do it.”

Errr…

February 2, 2010 Leave a comment

Today I opened for the first time since early November (and I’m even not joking) my University mailbox. There were more than 200 emails in there, mostly spams. There were also about 5 emails from instructors who said that they wanted to see the results of my “very interesting” survey. -___________-  Err….. I even didn’t look at the results. The survey is done, finished and that’s all I can tell you about it.

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Manuela

January 25, 2010 Leave a comment

I told her everything.
I saw Manuela, my main advisor and told her I haven’t written a single paragraph for the whole past semester (unbelievable but true). I also told her about my weekly visit to the therapist, that I still take antidepressant, that I have an extremely low self-esteem. It was easier to tell her all that than I excepted it to be.
She felt bad for me – she’s so nice, so nice – she told me that she is ready to help me, I just have to tell her what to do – she’s even ready to talk to my therapist if needed. I even told her that last year I cried and cried every time I had to look at the files she sent me (with her corrections).
It took me an entire semester to tell her all this. I don’t expect her to help me – I just wanted her to know that I’m not that lazy but simple unable to do anything because of my lack of self-esteem.

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Money

November 3, 2009 Leave a comment

My self esteem is so low that I don’t feel like I can earn money. I don’t deserve it. It’s not something for me. I’m unworthy of getting paid.
Manuela found me a little job. I work for her, few hours a week. I’ve worked several weeks already. And I haven’t filled in yet the paper that says how many hours I worked so that I can get paid. I already “missed” two deadlines to hand in this paper. I just help her. It’s not “working”. I don’t see why I should get paid for that: ask the secretary to print papers, go get posters, buy tape.. I don’t deserve to get paid for this.
It’s exactly the same feeling when people are nice with me. I’m unworthy of it. I don’t deserve it. Yesterday, Marine gave me a little teddy bear. She thanked me for driving her to the grocery store. Do you sincerely think that it’s appropriate to give a present for that?!?! No.
There’s a paragraph about it in the French book “The happiness to be oneself” (p.290). I’m “happy” to have finished this book. It was too depressing for me. lol

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Positive things of the week

October 17, 2009 Leave a comment

1) My IRB has been accepted – finally
2) I went out twice: with the French group and with some other people to see Jimmy’s Hat – I learned what “Jimmy hat” meant.
3) I saw Manuela – gave her her posters. If I listen to her, my thesis is almost done. O.o
4) I did laundry
5) I rearranged a little this LJ;
6) I work on my small talks
7) I still work for OSA.
8) I eat ice cream then get very cold but it’s worth it.
9) It’s Sunny!!
10) the therapy group session was, as usually, very enlightening.
11) I received Gift Cards for Olive’s Garden ($100!) & Factory Cheesecake ($50!)
12) Yesterday night, I learned where I could find a Factory Cheesecake – it’s not far from where the French meeting takes place. ^.^
13) I still don’t have my periods. I love it.
14) I plan to go to the restaurant by myself this week since there’s nothing special planned yet – except for the week-ends!