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Group therapy

December 13, 2010 Leave a comment

Despite the fact that a therapist told me to come back to group therapy next semester, I keep on thinking about what the other therapist (the director of the center) told me too: “maybe you’re done. It’s true that people could go to group therapy for years and years, because there’s nothing bad about it, but if you think that you’re done, maybe you are”.

Group therapy can be nothing else but beneficial to anybody, everybody. But I realized that I went to group therapy because at one point in my life I couldn’t function on my own anymore. It was a temporary help. There I learned with what I call my “homework” how to function again, how to deal with things in a more healthy way. Now, I just have to keep on putting in practice what I learned there.

No attach

December 4, 2010 Leave a comment

There’s only one group therapy session left. My very last one. Indeed, I don’t plan to go back next semester. I feel like it’s time for me to stop group therapy. I told that to my therapist during last session and the least I can say is that he looked surprised and worried. He told me that I should remember that I come “from far” and that group therapy is particularly beneficial in my case. To make it short he finished by: “See you next semester”. >.> Nice. He doesn’t give me the choice.

I also mentioned to the group the fact that I stopped overnight playing on Dofus and that I left people I knew for months without notice or without saying goodbye. He wants me to find “why” I left whereas everything was fine: they were nice people, I was well integrated in the group… everything was perfect. But I left. Like a thief. Why? I don’t know why. These people were part of a moment of my life and this moment is over – I turned the page and moved on. This would have ended anyway, so…

My therapist’ suggestion: I prefer to leave them (people on Dofus, the group therapy, etc) before they leave me. In other words, I prefer to reject people than being rejected. It sucks. I do that very often, that’s why I don’t keep friends I made in the past. And, once I leave, I leave for good. For instance, those on Dofus have no means to contact me now.

Then my therapist asked me how I felt. I answered: “Bad. It’s mean to do that. It’s not an appropriate thing to do. Normal people don’t do that. It makes me look mean”. He said: “You’re sure?” Several minutes later a guy from the group said that I had a large smile on while I was saying “Bad. It’s mean to do that…..”.  >.<   It’s my medication. I’m more than sure that it’s my medication that puts that smile on my lips and creates a discrepancy between what I say I feel in the inside and what I show on the outside.

Thanksgiving break

November 27, 2010 Leave a comment

We skip two weeks of therapy (= 2 sessions) because of the thanksgiving break. I miss these sessions.  It’s like a routine for me to go to these sessions. Although I don’t feel anymore “naked” when there is no session, it’s always reassuring to know that I am not alone and that there are people, somewhere, with whom I can talk.

Ego trips

November 12, 2010 Leave a comment

It was our 10th group therapy session of the semester last Wednesday. We are supposed to have deep inside us a “core sense of self”  – something that, no matter what, will never break. Strong, inflexible, deeply rooted. It’s something we could always be able to rely on or hang on to when things are not going so well. It should prevent me/us from breaking down completely again – because we’d know that there’s something in us that no one can steal from us. I think I found mine. Well, for the moment it’s good enough and better than nothing. It’s “my motivation to get better”. I come from far, I’ve been through a lot, I made a lot of progress and for nothing in the world I would give up now. Not after all I’ve done.

Wednesday evening, I went to the main campus of the University of Connecticut to see there Michael J. Fox who came to give a free lecture about him and Parkinson’s disease. He spoke for 45 minutes, a 45-minute “ego trip”. “They say in AA that anything over 20 minutes for a speech is an ego trip, and I’m going for 45,” Fox joked about his lecture. He said that some people asked him what the “J” stands for in his name. He said: “J” is for “genuine” or “genius”. lol I love it! Well, it doesn’t work that well when it’s written down.

I couldn’t take a picture of him during his lecture, so instead, I show you a picture I took few hours before. It has nothing to do with him, I know, but I do what I want. It’s my blog. :-P

Getting ready

October 23, 2010 Leave a comment

I tend to forget the goals of these therapy sessions. By that, I don’t mean that I don’t see how it can help to open up and say what you have on your heart but one of the main objectives is to help us think. Ah how can I say that? We’ll always have to face obstacles in our life and I guess that some of us are kind of overwhelmed and panicked and fell in depression. These sessions are supposed to help us get confidence in ourselves but we, like everybody else, have the answers to our questions. It’s not the others. That’s why you can’t expect others to tell you this or that – you are the one who has the key to your own issues. Therapists are just here to help us to see again by ourselves. I’m not clear. >.< but in my mind it’s not clear either. I remember one day the therapist said to me: “you have the answer” and he smiled.
me: “do you know the answer?”
him: “no, but you do.”
me: “well, if I know it, I’m not aware of it”.
him: “then you don’t know it”
This example is supposed to make things clearer. Therapists are just here to help us get back on track and think, find deep in ourselves the will, the courage and the answers to solve our issues (There is no magical pill) so that we can do it again later on, like everybody, without their help. It is clearer now. ^_^ Otherwise we could spend our life in therapy! I go to these therapy sessions as long as I can – it can’t hurt. When I’ll leave the university for good, I’ll have to stand on my own two feet (in French we say: “to fly with one’s own wings”) with no support. I even don’t want to imagine what life would be like without my anti-depressant, so without them AND therapy! pff!

Time to sort things out

October 17, 2010 Leave a comment

Okay, I can’t completely and in the blink of an eye forget about this AvPD. First because I can’t and second because I don’t want to. I don’t want to because despite the fact that it turned out to be a “wall”; it turned out to be, as well, a precious help. It pointed at the symptoms I have to work on. I was both lucky and unlucky to have found about this disorder. All the books I read about this disorder they, at the same time, improved and worsened my plight. I learned a lot from them and from now on, I should only see the good advices they gave me. And only that.

As a member of the group said: I am not just defined by a disorder or a disease. “A” also said that the AvPD was my central core, what remains stable within me no matter what. Except that now, the psychoanalyst destroyed it with one word.

Cast off!

October 14, 2010 Leave a comment

I talked about my discussion with the psychoanalyst during the group session. It is needless to say that the therapists were absolutely not surprised to hear that I don’t have AvPD; actually they had this smile on that says: “see, I told you”.

When I started group therapy, I began to work on my own self and I also began to put things in practice – less shy, more welcoming, less judgmental and negative, etc. Small steps. Just small steps that would in the end lead to a wall I was building at the very same time I was trying to make these small steps. What is this wall? AvPD. It was my excuse – no matter what I would do, in the end, it wouldn’t work because of the AvPD. I think that’s what happened: at the same time I was building a wall around me and making small steps towards recovery (that would be stopped by the wall).

One of the therapist told me that maybe I needed this “wall” at the time, I needed this protection and now that I feel better and made some progress (because I did!), it’s time for me to let it go. What I just did on Tuesday was to open up my eyes and see this “AvPD wall”, I’ve spent months to build it up; now it’s time to break it down. Errr… any idea how to do it?! lol because right now, it’s like I have to convince myself that I don’t have my right arm. I can see it, touch it, bite it..but No! it’s not here! I have a lot of (not to say “all”) symptoms of AvPD but No! I’m not avoidant.

They also said that contrary to what I said, I don’t have to start all over again, it’s just another step. A big step. There should be manuals on how to do those stuffs, no, seriously. Or better: a magical pill! He added that now, life should be more exciting without this brake on. I got the feeling that every second that goes by, I lose more and more my English so I’ll stop here for now.