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Last meeting with the group

May 4, 2010 1 comment

Last week it was the last meeting with the group therapy for the semester.
Overall, I achieved my goal : talk about myself and therefore get some feedback/comments on me. I cried and counter attacked but that’s how I react so,.. it was not surprising.
I feel super well. Too well actually. That’s almost scaring. I’m pretty sure it’s my medication that makes me feel like this. I still have to avoid situations where I know I can be very aggressive with people. ^_^  I’m scared of how I may react in such situations. I know I already made short work of a teacher. ^_^  Don’t fuck with me. Even if I smile and laugh, don’t fuck with me. You’ll regret it. ^_^
I see more and more often situations as good exercises to put my new way of being and thinking into practice though. I am much much much more zen, relaxed and calm than before. I’m more in peace. Nothing can ruin my day unless I decide to ruin it. An example? Well, if I feel paranoid, instead of withdrawing and stepping back, I say to myself “hey! just to show them that I’m not scared of them, I’ll go and do what I want to do. And even more!!” And I don’t feel bad at all after. It works.

The next session of group therapy is in 3 weeks. I feel naked without their support – even if they don’t support me but just the fact of knowing that I am not alone helps me.

And to end with a merry touch, listen to these 4 audio recordings – virus free :

rapidshare.com/files/75164199/WD-YSWYB.rar

Those are just speeches made by Wayne Dyer. Listen to them. There’s no way it can be bad for you; so give it a try.

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Time to move on

April 14, 2010 Leave a comment

During an individual therapy session, the therapist told me that the “mechanic” is in place – by that he meant: I go to every single therapy session and never miss one and I do my “homework” – now I have to turn the table on my thoughts – is that English??? by that he meant: convince myself that I am not what I think I am and that people are not against me. So far I gave myself opportunities to be around people, now I have to seize these occasions to fight against my negative thoughts. It’ll take me ages to do that!!
Oh and I told the group that they represent the most dangerous people to me because even though I don’t open up much, I do, and in the same time I exposed myself and became vulnerable. I gave them the weapon to hurt me just by opening up. I told them that. There’s one girl who thinks the same.

Damned, it’ll take a lot of time

March 25, 2010 Leave a comment

In November, I wrote an entry about whether I should lie to myself or accept my plight. I talked about this dilemma at the group therapy: should I lie to myself and keep on repeating to me that I’m not stupid/ugly/etc.. (the list is too long) or should I accept my condition and try to be happy and stupid/ugly/etc.?

The therapist knows that no matter what people could tell me, I *know* that I am ugly, stupid, mean…. I know it therefore I am. What he suggested was that I have to do what makes me feel happy in the end.
It means, it’ll be a case by case thing. Damned, it’ll be long. The question now is; how to be happy and ugly? without despising everybody because, yeah, if I do, I won’t get out of this – it’ll be again me Vs the world.

:-D

March 17, 2010 Leave a comment

I’ve been very positive lately. I’ve never been that positive before. I even catch myself smiling while taking my shower in the morning!
At the therapy group sessions, lately I’ve been looking for some reassurance and comfort. As if I needed to be told that I’m doing good.
As I said to them, I’ve been working hard to get better and I have to admit that I thought it would have been much more difficult. Not that it is easy but I thought it would have much harder than that. And the fact that it is not very difficult makes me think that at the beginning I wasn’t really suffering from clinical depression and that I wanted to commit suicide. That all that was a fucking joke. How could you explain that after a year I’m doing already all these stuffs if I wasn’t at first very ill?!?!  But in the same time I know that it was a very serious and dangerous clinical depression and that I seriously thought to kill myself – I had my plan and everything.
What they told me is that if I have this feeling it’s because I’ve been working hard for a whole year and it pays off.

In a year, I missed only one single group therapy session because I had an appointment with a doctor.
I take both group and individual therapy session every single week.
I learned about AvPD – and without this knowledge I wouldn’t have known where to start in order to recover.
I go out and hang out with some people at least once a week – movie, hiking, board game nights, parties, French meeting.
I go to the restaurant alone every single week.
+ the meditation class and the class “a journey into consciousness”
I read books about self-improvement. Like the OSA (Overcoming Social Anxiety). Now that I’m done with this program, I can see that it really really really helped me. I have still several books to read about all this.

It pays off already. A little but it shows me that I’m on the right track.

Group session

February 22, 2010 Leave a comment

During my group therapy session, I was asked to think about what makes me helpless with my thesis.
Answers:

  • I can’t take criticism: any type of correction, comment or critic will pull me down and devastate me due to my extremely low self esteem.
  • It is useless: a Ph.D. would be useful only and only if I stay and work in the USA. I even can’t apply for jobs – I feel so incompetent.
  • I have not a single plan for the future. I don’t know what I want to do. No idea. But in the end it comes up to: what *can* I do?
  • It is a symptom of my AvPD. People with this disorder are known to stay as long as possible at school. I wonder why? LOL (see above)

Fucking low self-esteem and depression.
I understand that my depression is for me The opportunity to change, to get better but damn, I have to start everything from scratch almost!! I can’t do all that overnight. If only I could work on my thesis & get more self-esteem but it seems that it has to be self-esteem first and then the thesis. Not good. Better than nothing, though!

It felt good

February 18, 2010 Leave a comment

A therapy session was canceled because of the snow. On the following one, I talked about myself, about my urge to get some self-esteem. At this point, if it could come in a Huge box, it would be awesome. Anyway. *sigh* John asked me to tell them when I had self-esteem the previous week. I thought a little while and then I remembered I baked a cake. And it didn’t burn at all ^.^ So yeah, I baked a cake – and I’m everything but a cook.
What they wanted to show me is that I have self-esteem but I don’t recognize it. I don’t see it. It doesn’t help me much – how come I can’t see it? Why do I do that to myself? I need it so badly!!
They also gave me some ideas in order to realize that I am not that bad. For instance I have to keep on reminding myself of all the little things I do now I didn’t do before. Those are marks of progress. I used to do that at the beginning, I stopped doing it, I shouldn’t have. I also put back on my walls signs I took off before my parents came to visit me – signs that remind me for instance to say “maybe”, to kill the ANTS, etc. I’m back.

What I took from this session was that I have to keep on doing what I’m doing and be patient.

They say I’m on the good track and I have to hold and be patient. It comforted me. A lot.

I started all this process less than a year ago; and I’ve been feeling awful for years and years. Be patient. I am. But it’s tough though with self-esteem because there’s nothing you can do to get it, you know? I can’t work on this and hope that after a while it’ll work. There’s nothing to work on with this. I just have to do what I do and hop it’ll pop up by itself and stick to me.

My fourth group

January 29, 2010 Leave a comment

During the first meeting of this group therapy, X told me that I should ask questions and ask for help. Why? Because if I don’t say anything and stay silent and withdrawn, people can’t guess that there’s something wrong, they’ll think that I am fine and need nothing. If I want something I have to go and ask for it. To me, it comes up to bothering people to do something for my small and insignificant person. Sigh. I talked a little during this session about topics I already mentioned in this blog. X also wants me to express out loud what it feels like when people make comments about me, criticize me. Oh my! They won’t like it!! LOL

What did I say in this session? Well, that my parents should be more careful and do their part and stop pulling me down because they do it unconsciously but they do it. They are the only people I have and if they keep on being a threat to me, I’ll have no choice but to leave them. X told me (like I X ^.^) that we have to be rational about what we can ask and what we can expect from our parents. It probably means that they’ll never accept the fact that I won’t  be the “normal daughter” they deserve to have – a daughter who gets a job, gets married, have a kid or two and visit them once in a while…and I don’t talk about my grand ma’s expectations!