Archive

Archive for the ‘therapy-spring11’ Category

Summary of the last therapy session

May 5, 2011 Leave a comment

Yesterday, there was no group therapy session. I was “what am I going to do now that I don’t have therapy??” I’ve been devoting 1h30 to therapy every single week since the summer of 2009 that when there’s a short break I’m kind of lost. Too used to my routine. A Wednesday with no therapy is not a Wednesday. >.< Okay, so, what did they say about me during the last meeting of the semester? Well, that they are “amazed” to see that I keep on challenging myself (right after that I told them about the skydiving) and that I am very committed to my well-being/self-improvement…I don’t know how to call that ..but in 2 years, I missed only one meeting. I was in Las Vegas. What else? as George Clooney would say. Errr nothing comes to my mind. We are all satisfied with my progress. There’s still a lot to work on but who can pretend to have nothing to work on on a personal level? It’s a never ending work – or in other word, that’s life.

Wrap up session

April 22, 2011 Leave a comment

Next week, we’ll have our last group therapy meeting of the semester. An occasion to “wrap-up” and see if we have met our goals for this semester of therapy, what I did, what I didn’t do, what I still need to work on (no, please, don’t say “everything”, I wouldn’t believe you). I got to be prepared for this session.

I write down my thoughts as they come:

  • I feel more and more comfortable in group. With or without strangers.
  • I am not the shiest person I know.
  • I triggered, on purpose, a conflict during a session. I stayed on my ground and didn’t feel bad at all during the conflict knowing that even thought the other person didn’t know it, I’ve always behaved for their own good. I kind of sacrificed myself, I made this person angry only to make them show their anger to others and not keep it bottled up. The therapist said that I took a risk starting this conflict. In the past, I preferred to be invisible and with this conflict, I was on the front.
  • You know what, I’ve been to these group therapy sessions for so long that in a way, I said “in a way”, I feel like I’m on the therapist side. I know I don’t know as much as they do but sometimes… well, you have to admit that pretty often we repeat a pattern over and over again and we don’t want to see or admit and in this case it’s easy for others to spot those patterns (therapists and non therapists).
  • I think my perception of things changed radically the day I realized that life is not as harsh as it seems when what I called in the past “obstacles” are now “exercises” to me.
  • I got the feeling that I’m well prepared to be on my own again. I learned a lot of tools to prevent me from falling back into depression. I can also recognize the signs typical of a pattern I try to avoid.
  • There is still a big issue I need to address ASAP. It sucks.
  • I love my medications! I still take 20mg of Celexa. I’ll take 10mg when I’ll be done with my thesis, it’s safer. ^.^

Anything else?

Still learning

April 14, 2011 Leave a comment

I don’t feel bad or anxious anymore when I go to my group therapy sessions. I don’t know why – I think it’s my medication that does that – but I feel fine. Meditation helps me too. Oh yeah, meditation*. Last Wednesday I decided to reiterate an experience I did several month ago with a different group of people. Back then it was a “first time” for me, I wanted to see how I would react, whether I would “survive” or not with the idea that I shared my biggest secret with people. This time I did it again to know what people think of my secret. What secret? Ha ha. I already made a post about it this past summer. Although it’s not easy to talk about it – I really really have to overcome my fear and shame, it’s getting easier and easier. Actually, I had to explain it all over again to a member who arrived late to the session -.-  so, in all, I explained it three times in therapy session. I realized that we all have our little secrets, that it’s not something that I wanted to have/be, that it’s not my fault and that I focus my attention way way too much on this – very probably because it was one of my biggest issues (and my biggest shame) during my teens and early twenties, as you can imagine. It’s not something I can control, I did my best and now, I have to say to myself “it’s not my fault”. It makes me feel better, it’s hard to explain but this “it’s not my fault” relieves me of a weight even though I know it’s not my fault! So odd. O.o

* The “mini meditation retreat” was, contrary to what I expected, not for people who wanted to meditate and meditate and meditate and meditate. This retreat was more for newbies in meditation than for experienced people. It was okay though, we had 3 short mini sessions of meditate (2 minutes, then 5 then 10 minutes) and we were also introduced to the practice of Tai Chi. We were about 30-35 people there. I had no problem to interact with people. I was “Hi! Can I join you?!” with a big smile on. You got to be very mean to say “No” to that! lol Plus people who meditate (is there a word for “people who meditate” like “meditator” “medi..”?? my mind is blank right now) are known to be peaceful and nice. They don’t bite either (most of them are vegetarian ^.^).

Wow

March 4, 2011 Leave a comment

Wow. I can’t find another word to describe the last group therapy session. Wow. An excellent session until the very last sentence. There’s Wow (awesome) and then Wow (way way less awesome). I can’t give more detail but I know I’ll remember this session for a Long time.

At my own pace

February 26, 2011 Leave a comment

A girl who attended for a whole semester group therapy with me about 2 or 3 semesters ago is back in a group therapy with me. She said that she was amazed how better I look compared to the last time she saw me. She could notice the differences, she could notice that I made some progress, that I appear more open, that I’m smiling, crack jokes here and there and talk more easily. She had no particular reason to talk about me, she said what she thought and she thought my situation has improved. As I agree with her, I accepted her compliment and well, that’s what I do mainly during these group therapy, I realize how much I’m better than before, I become more aware of all the things I went through, all the things I’ve achieved and also, all the things I’m working on. It’s a work in progress. It’ll be a work in progress for all my life, like for everybody. But I have to admit that these sessions boost my mood and my self-esteem, self-confidence, well, my self-Everything. It feels good, it’s much appreciated.

You know, I begin to realize only now, that even this depends on me. I remember during last session, I said something like “I don’t like myself” and one therapist answered to that that I wouldn’t be there, I wouldn’t have pushed my limits and gone to all these sessions (I only missed one (I was in Las Vegas) in 6 semesters) and decided to get out of my comfort zone if I didn’t care and didn’t like myself. It never occurred to me that despite my conviction that I don’t like myself, I actually do. And it wasn’t the first time that the (poor) therapist told me that but it’s the first time that I listened to him. It seems that, no matter what you tell me, I’ll process it only when I’ll be ready and willing to process it. I did that before, with the Avoidant Personality Disorder; it was only when I was fed up of them telling me that I didn’t have this disorder that I accepted the idea that maybe maybe they were right. Why don’t I listen to them and use my brain in real time and not have an epiphany several months later.

Positive things of the week

January 24, 2011 Leave a comment

1) My eye doctor told me that I see better than three weeks ago and that now I even see better than the average.
2) My last two meditation sessions were great, really great.
3) I finally received the package that my parents sent on Dec 09, 2010. On the package it’s written that it left France on January 11th 2011 – more than one month after my parents mailed it. It’s a 7 kg (15.4 lbs) package full of chocolates, truffles, chocolates, chocolates, candies + 4 glue tubes (they don’t have decent glues in the U.S.).
4) I went to the first group therapy of the semester. We were just three students. I’m still not sure if I want to go to these sessions.
5) I’m still doing the 28-day soda challenge. I’m doing pretty good actually. :-D  By the end of the month, I expect to stop drinking soda for good. I picked up a good month to make this change because with those arctic temperatures, I prefer to drink a good warm tea or hot chocolate than a cold soda. Brrrr….
6) I had 25 photos printed for free. ^.^
7) I baked a cake.
8) I did a big big laundry.
9) I invited Marine to hang out with me (of course, she accepted first and then canceled)
10) I went to the Cheesecake Factory. There, I ordered water and not soda ^.^
11) I found a bunch of cool icons for my computer.
12) It’s SUNNY outside despite the bitter arctic cold (-18° C this morning at 10am, and only -12°C at 4pm)

Random comments

January 18, 2011 Leave a comment

Another day stuck in my apartment. Today, we expect both snow and freezing rain on top of the 23.5 inches (59,69 cm) of snow we have had last time that haven’t melt down yet. Well, by -10°C (14°F), there’s few chances that it’ll melt, I know. *sigh*
~~~~~~
I’m glad my parents came, I’m glad we talked a little my mother and I. I begin to understand that it helps to listen to other people’s view points. She told me that as long as I don’t move on with my life, I’ll be stuck. Argh, I don’t know how to put it into words. I need some big Big changes in my life to finally be able to say “good bye” to my depression. I need to turn the page and write a new chapter in my life and not new paragraph as I’ve done so far. Easier said than done. Especially for me who don’t really like changes much.
I understand what my mother meant and I know she’s right but I fear that I’m not strong enough (–> another ANT >.< ).
Tomorrow there’s the very first session of a therapy group at my university. I said that I’d be there (the guy called me on morning and woke me up, I was “yeah, yeah..sure..”) but I think I can do without it. Time to move on (a little). I don’t know what to do. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll show up at the first session, say “hi” and “goodbye” to everybody (there’ll be the members of my previous group therapy) and leave.