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‘ can’t find a title

August 31, 2009 Leave a comment

I had an individual session with my therapist today. He asked me if I know the impact I had on the members of the group I went to this summer. I think I ruined the atmosphere of the first 2/3 sessions, beside that I don’t see anything else. He looked astonished. He said that first, I never ruined the atmosphere; second that people noticed how difficult it was for me to be in this group and above all, they noticed all the efforts and progress I made. I made people feel “lazy” and not really motivated – I made so much progress that they all felt pathetic compared to me who did an “excellent job”. lol   That’s what he told me. I crushed and beat them and I even wasn’t aware of it, damn it!?! lol

Well, we have to put things back in context.
I started from scratch. So if you do a little something, it looks huge compared to nothing. Plus, I was the newbie in the group, they were all at an advanced stage of their therapy; and it’s no surprise if the changes are not spectacular at that level. But they did progress. They shouldn’t have been impressed because in reality I didn’t do much.

Did I reach my goal going to these group sessions?
Yes. My goal was to go to and stay at all these sessions. I did it. I told him that I gained more by the simple fact of “going” to these sessions than “listening” to others. We are so different – there was a girl who didn’t know which boyfriend she wanted to be with on 1)Monday 2)Tuesday 3)Wednesday…  -_-
My therapist went even further. He said that his goal for me was to take the risk to go to these group meetings. Just the fact to take risks. Everything else was an extra. I did take risks, I think that I even did more than that and got a lot of tiny extras.

I talked to him about the hiking I did last week.
Him: – “I didn’t know you like hiking!”
Me:   – “I don’t.”
Him: – “Ahahahahah!! Where did you hike?”
Me:  – “No idea. It was by the Exit 60 on the 84. That’s all I can tell you.”
i have to find 1)activities where I can meet people 2)activities I can do (not  like rhythmic gymnastics or climbing) and 3) activities that interest me a minimum, not like “how to make pottery” or “ballroom dancing”. I can speak French, therefore I join a French group; I can walk (big news!! lol), therefore I join hikers. It’s that simple. Don’t look further.
The nurse told me that I’ve found a good combination:
* French — to relax.
* Hike — excellent for the body and therefore for the mind.
* Journey into Consciousness — personal work on myself. I still have to register for this Journey.

Oh and a new group session will start in two weeks with some people of the summer group.
I think that’s all for now folks.

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Bla bla bla

August 26, 2009 Leave a comment

This afternoon, as I was looking online for some books about AvPD, I read again the description of people suffering from AvPD. There is not a single symptom that I don’t have. Impressive! LOL Ah when I do something, it’s everything or nothing!
The symptoms

I must choose the right options

August 13, 2009 Leave a comment

Yesterday’s group session:
I talked a little

The penultimate group session / meeting

August 12, 2009 1 comment

About the group session: we were 4 + 1 therapist.  Since we were not (again) numerous, we all had the opportunity to talk about ourselves. I’ll skip some part – I’m too tired right now, I’ll do that tomorrow – but I told them that I “may go to a meeting of people to talk about French music”. I said “may”. I didn’t want to go there if I was completely freaked out; no I would have given a great opportunity for my ANTS to come back. I didn’t give them that chance. At All. ^_^  It was today at 7pm in a Panera Bread. I was there on time – thanks to Gudrun. We were supposed to meet and stay in the back of the room. I went there and yes, there were people gathered around tables: some old women knitting. Wrong group!! lol So I waited, drinking my lemonade. And when I saw some agitation on the other side of the back of the room, I knew it was my group. There were 8 people. And I joined them. I forgot to be anxious. lol I was relaxed, a little shy – but I am shy. I had a good time there. We left at 9:15pm…the Panera Bread had to close! And yes, I had a good time. A little shy  at first but nothing else. They were all Americans who had a passion for France and they all played the game and spoke French. So did I. :-p There was one teacher of French who spent the evening asking me if one word or another was feminine or masculine.
We were even: they were struggling with their French (well, not really, I hoped they would), I was struggling with my English. I wasn’t disadvantaged by the fact that I am French and that English is not my mother tongue and that I have a French accent.
1) A small group
2) About a topic I master: French. lol
3) In a language I also master.
I was in confidence. The hardest part was to get up from my seat and join them but it wasn’t that difficult.

La suite demain.

My twin

August 5, 2009 Leave a comment

Back from my therapy – the group session #?. There’s a girl who, like me, started to take charge and worked on her trouble. She did a lot of progress and you can see that she’s motivated. Today she came all depressed, and I tried to comfort her telling her that if she has setbacks it means that first she has progressed and that’s a positive thing… In my opinion, we are on the same path, fighting our own problems. We both find it difficult to do it; we both want to see progress, just a sign, a little something that tells us that we are on the good track. Of course, like me, she is impatient and felt bad because she has setbacks. It’s interesting and reassuring to see that I’m not the only one in my case. We are pretty synchronized, that’s odd!
I’ve been doing okay except when the therapist turns his head to look at me – it makes me nervous. It’s stupid. I don’t know why it makes me nervous.
I should stop drinking Coke, it makes me shake like crazy when I want to do meticulous things – I can’t even pop my pimples anymore!! lol  Everything is falling apart in this world!  Regarding pimples, I have to be honest with myself – I just checked again to make sure I wasn’t fooling myself – but damn if I saw somebody with my face I wouldn’t say that they have acne. I look fine. It hasn’t happened to me for years. I stopped taking medicines for my acne several weeks ago – my dermatologist was blind and deaf – the medicines were inefficient; I just had their side effects. Usually we say that my skin looks better in the summer because I used to expose myself to the sun more often. But this year, I haven’t spent one whole hour outside. I haven’t been exposed to the sun at all this summer. And it’s difficult for me to acknowledge that I look okay but I do it. If it can help me to feel better, why wouldn’t I do it?!

To put into perspective

July 31, 2009 Leave a comment

The therapist, yesterday, told me that it would be a good idea if I could volunteer somewhere and be around people in bad shape. Real bad shape. He wants me to be around, take care of crippled, very ill, or handicapped people in order to put my situation into perspective.  I don’t know where else I read/hear this before. Maybe it was my therapist who already told me to do that. Oh no, it’s in the book about the Dalai Lama. Yes, yes, yes. They say that the key to happiness is to help others. Cloudy says that too – she’s Buddhist.
I started to look for job for volunteers in my area. They almost all ask volunteers to stay a whole year. I really don’t think that next year at this time, I’ll still be in the US. I’ll move back to France for good in May, June. My parents will not appreciate it at all but..anyway.  I started to look for a position. I contacted American Cancer Society. I’m waiting for an answer.

I’m back.

July 30, 2009 Leave a comment

Yesterday I couldn’t reach my computer. That’s why I didn’t write anything. There was a moth hiding somewhere in my apartment, actually it IS still hiding somewhere around me – and I am scared as hell by moth. Yesterday night I even planned to go sleep elsewhere (car or hotel).

So, yesterday I went to another group session for my therapy. We were only three (girls) + the therapist. We mainly talked about Me