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Last group session for this winter

December 9, 2009 Leave a comment

I almost cried  I told them what I was thinking: that with the first group I made much more progress but it was I was starting from scratch. A little improvement looks so Big compared to nothing! This time I was just keeping on doing what I started during the summer. So the changes are not spectacular. I made the most part of my introspection last summer: who I am, why… now I have to take actions. I also said that I need the most now is some self-esteem and that I knew that I couldn’t find or get it by simply going to these therapy sessions. :-) But I need it so badly.
J. told me that I have some self-esteem just by coming to these sessions and participating..X, also reminded me that I have self-esteem for doing what I’ve been doing and I know that I have self-esteem. The few self-esteem I have enables me to say that I can make it; that I can make this life livable, bearable; besides that, no, I have none.
My challenge for the next sessions is to come up at very session with something to say about me, something I want to share about me – in order to give me some importance and to make people give me some feedbacks, comments (judgments!). X says I can do it. X and C seem quite astonished by what I do; X talked about “a revolution”.
To sum it all, they say that I have self-esteem, I just have to open up my eyes. I need it so badly, so badly; how do I prevent myself from seeing it?! and why? For Xmas I want hair and self-esteem. A big big big box full of self-esteem!!!

Fooooood

November 5, 2009 Leave a comment

Good news:
It’s normal that I don’t have my periods. AWESOME!!!!!
Bad news:
I weight 118lbs. or 53;5kg… I need 4 more kgs to get back to my normal weight. It seems that I am stuck at this weight and that I won’t get soon these 4 kgs. Too bad.

Yesterday was my day “I don’t care”:
I went to Victoria’s Secret just to get my free panties. :-) And no, I don’t want to buy anything. I just want to get my free panties. It’s a good exercise.
I found The Coat. It’s been 5 good long years that I have been looking for a coat.  If II found it. It’s a coat for men. I don’t care. I’ve been looking for it for 5 years. I don’t care if it is for men or not. So I tried it on. The sleeves are too long.  :-(   but I realized today that the coat I have has too long sleeves for me too. Sooo..maybe tomorrow, I’ll buy my coat. ^_^

Yesterday was also the day of my group therapy. Very instructive as always.
I think I found the answer to the question: “why I don’t like myself?”. I think that I reached the core of my troubles. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s much I can do about it. I’ll write about it in an other entry – here it would be too long.

What happened Saturday – my father shook me up to make me react but instead I collapsed – may reveal that, to my parents, my depression is over and that I am fine, that all these bad moments are in the past. You don’t pull down someone who, you know, is feeling very bad and has no self-esteem… It’s not because I smile and go out that I’m fine. I’m still in my miserable plight. I’m just taking medication that prevent me from thinking about suicide, that’s it. I’m not fine. I still don’t have a single goal in life. I don’t give a shit about my Ph.D. I don’t even stress about. I simply don’t care. I have interest in nothing. I’m good at nothing. I’m just here. Waiting.

Therapy group # 7

October 29, 2009 Leave a comment

Yesterday’s therapy session was the best so far. It seems that I say that every week but it’s true. You can tell by the way you feel – if you have or not this knot in your stomach, and your heart in your mouth. You know then that you’ve (been) hit where it hurts. And that’s where I don’t want to go but I don’t have the choice.
Today the therapist confirmed what I fear the most: that we have to accept ourselves first in order to change and not the opposite. -_-  How do you want me to accept that? Why should I accept that? Nobody would like to. Nobody has ever wanted to. Why should I? because “that” is me? that’s not a reason.
I think we did so far the groundwork to focus on what’s at the root of everything. That’s why I am not interested in solving my depression. I never talk about it. I don’t read about clinical depression. I’m depressed mostly in part because of my AvPD. I have AvPD because, now I know, I don’t like myself. The question, and the therapist asked me this question today, is: why I don’t like myself?
I told them what I wrote earlier: that I can’t live with you people nor with myself because there’s nothing good neither in you or me..that I’m stuck with myself and it sucks. I thought it would be The thing I have on my heart. But they didn’t seem impressed. lol  I do have it on my heart but it’s a consequence of something I have to find out.
I have to work on this and avoid being vague with answers like “there’s nothing good in me; I’m good at nothing” ,etc. Why do I think that?
It’s not that I don’t want to answer because it would very probably hurt me, it’s just that I don’t know the answer. I just don’t know. I sincerely don’t know. My parents love me, like every parents love their kids. They are not the problem. I am.
I know that I will never get rid of my AvPD. I have AvPD. I have to learn how to live with it without falling in depression. I know that. I know that I can’t expect to have a normal life – friends, a family, a job. I know that. I have to stay rational and lucid otherwise I’m going to hurt myself again. I have to learn how to kiss goodbye a lot of things that most of people can expect from life.  I know that.
Oh and therapist talked about me, about my case. He told us that I came in March because I wanted to kill myself, and that I saw him three times a week for a month because they feared for my life. and he said “look where she is now. That’s a “miracle”. We call that a “miracle”.” I don’t see any miracle. I’m still at rock bottom, my problems are still here, unsolved; it’s just that I’m taking medicines that prevent me from seeing all in black but technically, nothing has changed.
I write down as thoughts come to my mind. :-) He said that we’ll be free once we say what we have on our heart. I told him that I don’t see at all how you could feel free or better; it could be nothing else but the worst thing that can ever happen to you. His answer: if I still think that, it’s because I still need time. My time hasn’t come yet. It’s too early. I’ve been suffering from AvPD for about 15 years, I can’t solve my problems in 6 months of time.
You know what? I’ve done a pretty good job so far. It lead me nowhere. lol but I understand what is expected from me. He said that we may not understand something now, but in a while we may have a revelation (that’s what happened to me with one passage of a book where the author suggested that people with AvPD should put the blame on themselves and not on others).

Session #6

October 21, 2009 1 comment

Another great session. As I said before, all the members of this group go through the same things. We follow the same patterns, feel the same things and for the same reasons despite the fact that on the surface our stories can appear very different. We all feel guilty of what happened to us in the past; we all put the blame on us. We all developed our own way to cope with it, to avoid to experience again these events. We all do everything we can to try to forget these traumatic events. But they are still here.

Some people said that several times they hit rock bottom then bounced back and thought they managed to get rid of these negative thoughts for good.
Personally, I think I hit rock bottom just once. And it’s now. Before, I fooled myself, I put these thoughts under a veil and pretended not to see them anymore. It does not work. These thoughts always come back – actually, they never left. I think that for the first time, with this depression, I hit rock bottom – I seriously wanted to kill myself and was about to do it (by the way, I said that to the group. The others didn’t fall as low as I did). I am still at rock bottom. Nothing changed except the fact that I take medicines that prevent me from thinking about killing myself. Beside that, nothing has changed. I’m still down. And I’ve never been that low.

They say that as long as we don’t say what we have on the chest, nothing can change for us. We have to dump to feel lighter and free from what kept us low and turned toward the past. I’ve always said that I can’t do that. It’s too scary. I would be totally defenseless, at the mercy of everybody. Even though people don’t say anything, I know I’d interpret their behavior like an attack against me. You don’t need much to pull me down: just a look, a smile, a movement of the head. And an attack when I’m totally defenseless is fatal.

I have to open my heart and empty it from all that destroy me. It sounds stupid but I don’t know what it is. I know it’s scary to say it but I don’t know what “it” is. My secret? There’s no secret. Everybody can easily guess that I hate myself, despise myself and would be sooooooo glad if I could get rid of me. I’m such a failure. All I do is disappoint myself and people. I can’t find nothing good in me – I tried to find something positive, I did try but there’s nothing.. I can’t kill myself, I can’t run away from myself (I’m clingy :-( ), the only solution left is lobotomy. Because I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t bear myself. It’s hell. And when I think that I try to get out of this shit, I really wonder why because I don’t deserve it at all. Oh no. I’m not worth all this. I’m the kind of person who never forgive and never forget. I never forgive people nor myself. And you can be sure that one day or another (tomorrow or in 20 years), I’ll take my revenge. I have no pity for myself. I don’t try to get out of this situation for me. I have only 2 options: die or live, but live better. So, I’m working to live better. I’m so pathetic. I don’t have any pity for myself, I deserve all this. I should prospect to find a job – go to interviews and “sell myself”. When I heard this, “sell myself”, I immediately thought: “oh, I don’t sell myself. I give myself away for free. You can keep that. For ever. I want to get rid of that”. I appreciate myself so much that when I picture myself in my mind I don’t see the real me. I see a girl with another face and another body. They’re not like mine; they are not great either, they are different and acceptable. I unconsciously do this maybe to make life easier for me. It’s a way for me to escape from myself maybe and forget what I look like. I really really don’t like my body. Plus I’m stupid and good at nothing. I challenge you to find one good thing in me. One. Good luck.

The worst in all this is that I spend my days alone…with myself. I can’t bear that. I can’t be myself. I don’t like myself. I want to be fine. And I can’t even take comfort in people since I fear them. They hate me and can be nothing else but malicious and they are right. I hate myself, so why wouldn’t they hate me too?

I am in peace nowhere.
I don’t know where to go. I can’t live with people and I can’t live with myself. I’m fine nowhere. I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere. Where should I go? Where can I go? There is no one I can turn to. No one. I’m constantly tense. All I ask for, all I want and I’d give ANYTHING to get it is 5 seconds in the arms of somebody, anybody and feel in peace and protected there. 5 seconds. I ask for too much. I know. I should be more rational but I can’t help it. If I change my objectives and be more down to earth, I’d be lying to myself because all I want on earth are these 5 seconds. I don’t think I’ll ever get them. I don’t know how to get them.

Is that what they want to hear during our group therapy? There’s nothing particular, no big revelation. This story is very common. I don’t see what else I could say. I don’t see anything else.

Session #5

October 15, 2009 Leave a comment

Another great session.
We talked about a lot of interesting things but I don’t remember what exactly. -_-  Ah yes, what does it mean “to change” and how do we know what changes and how. Personally, despite all I do (today, I went to the French group meeting although I really didn’t want to go; I wasn’t motivated at all) I can’t say that I notice changes. The only change is that I try, that I do things even when I don’t feel like doing them.

X said that it would be a good idea to ask to the other members of the group what they think about us. I want to know but in the same time I don’t want to know – I won’t be able to cope with the comments. I’ll despise them no matter what they’d say. And there’s a great chance that I won’t be able to use wisely their comments/feedbacks. I need to know because if I base everything only on how I see myself, well, it’s too subjective. I don’t want to know. Maybe next time I’ll say that; it won’t help at all but I think I have to say it.

It’s funny because in the group there’s a guy who has social phobia and he’s exactly like me but his case is not as bad as mine. I understand exactly everything he means and feels. For instance he says that he knows what to do to get better and I know he does. I do too. It’s simply that we don’t want to do these things because we are scared of their consequences. We know what to do. We just block ourselves.
There are 2 differences between us: my case is way more serious (he was able to talk during his first session, bear the presence of roommates…) and I began to take actions. He hasn’t done it yet. But! but!! as I was presenting my case to him, he decided that this week-end he’ll do something.  :-) His case is not hopeless; he’ll make it. :-)

Another topic: I cry almost every single day. The dosage of my medicines is not good. Taking 300mg/450mg every other day does not seem to be efficient.

What about you?

October 9, 2009 Leave a comment

I know what he is doing. I know what one of the therapists is doing during our group session. Discreetly he’s showing me that the other people feel like I do; that there are no difference between them and me; that they do not feel at ease, that they have doubts, that they don’t think they are perfect and by consequence there is no reason for me to be so tense, so on my guard. They are not tense or on their guard, and still they are still alive. He is smart. It is difficult for me to pull down these walls around me. I’d feel so defenseless – the best prey you can ever get. It is not easy to expose oneself.

” In group therapy, depressive patients come to realize that others experience similar difficulties and that they are not alone in their vulnerability. This realization can be therapeutic in itself. Participants can be encouraged to assist each other in solving difficulties and overcoming problems, thus helping them bolster their waning sense of self-worth and interpersonal competence. Witnessing improvement in their fellow group members’ outlook can reinforce the very tenuous hope these patients have for improved functioning and help build the motivation needed to make adaptive changes.”
from Moderating Severe Personality Disorders (Millon) p.140. (available online)

Session # 4 / loneliness

October 8, 2009 Leave a comment

Another very interesting session. Again, we didn’t talk about what is on the surface but more what’s deep inside us. And again, I share a lot with the other members.
We talked about our feelings. I mentioned that when I decided to getter better, I created from scratch a strong Me. A Me that would pull me up and bring me strength and power. This fake me represents 1% of me. The other 99% are the real me: sad, depressed and totally hopeless, hopeless. I already wrote a little about it in 2 previous posts (see 09/17, 09/30). I have to believe in this 1% and focus my attention on it, on nothing else but it.
As they say: pretend you’re self-confident, friendly, bla bla bla… it’s tough because this 1% is so frail and tiny. Everything depends on it. Everything.
So, I was saying that it’s difficult for me to know what my feelings are because I created this fake me and I need it, not to fool people but to help me.
We also talked about venting, I mean, when you tell what you feel, what you have on your heart to a friend, parent, etc. It didn’t concern me. I have nobody to talk to. I made it that way. No more problem to know how the other will react. :-)

Next time we’re supposed to talk about loneliness.