Archive for the ‘thoughts’ Category

So far so good

October 3, 2011 Leave a comment

I haven’t noticed any change yet since I began to take half of the normal dosage of Celexa. The psychiatrist who prescribed me Celexa told me once that if I stop taking my medication, it would take about three days for my body to feel the difference between with and without medication. So I guess that it’ll take approximately also three days for me to really see what it is like with just 10mg.

This weekend, I talked as usual with my parents and realized that I was the one (and not them) who keeps on holding on bad habits such as living for my parents and not for myself. As every child, I guess, I want to please my parents and make them proud of me ..this made me do things for them, just for them…whereas the only thing they want is to know that I am happy and do what I like and not what they like. I know that but lately it was difficult for me do actually think this way. I thought they would be proud to have a daughter with a Ph.D. but it seems that they don’t care at all if I have a Ph.D. or a just a High School diploma as long as I am happy. At least, that’s what they told me. I worked my ass off on my Ph.D. thesis just for my parents. Personally, after what happened with the survey, I couldn’t care less about my thesis. I didn’t want to do it any longer. Anyway, I acknowledge the sacrifices my parents make/made for me and I should do everything to fulfill my potential. :-)


Be realistic

September 4, 2011 Leave a comment

You can be like this skater, accept the challenge of going down the ramp and… jump up to the lake.

Or you can be realistic, down to earth. I learn to be more moderate in my expectations. Before when I wasn’t happy or just satisfied with something my first thought was “I want this or that to be like this or like that (and nothing else)” and inevitably it (almost) never happened. Why? Because I asked for too much without even realizing it. Instead of asking for too much and asking it for it to happen right now, I understood that I just have to ask for a change. Just a change. Any kind of change is welcome, it will always be better than before because before I wasn’t happy or looking for something else. Change is sometimes scary but if you were really unhappy before, you’ll seize any opportunity to change. There are people who wish something that is impossible  (e.g. I’d like to be a top model, make sure that everybody I know is happy…), but they stick to it and therefore they make themselves miserable; they should learn to be less demanding or at least understand that things take time and they can’t get what they want right away, that their expectations should reflect their step by step progress towards their goal.

Oh man, I’m not clear..okay, I stop here. :-/


Same player try again

April 18, 2011 Leave a comment

This morning, I thought that I finally understood something and found a solution to feel better in my skin (ref. to my breasts, for those who follow). I thought that it was like my angioma (‘cos yes, I have a rather small angioma on my back) – something I got at birth and would never go away no matter what I do. The angioma doesn’t bother me at all – actually, 99.9% of the time I forget that I have it. The 0.1% corresponds at the moments when people see my back and ask me: “what it is?” and usually I turn around to see what they are talking about. >.<  So, as I was saying I thought that the solution would be to think of my breasts as I think of my angioma. I was all happy of my new discovery until I realized that there is a main difference between those two things. The breasts are closely linked to how I feel as a girl, and not the angioma. And it’s crucial.

Therefore, my Great idea wasn’t that great. I have to keep on thinking about it.

To be held accountable

March 8, 2011 Leave a comment

Living alone is cool. Living far from my family is fine with me too. I know I can contact them by phone whenever I want to (to hell the 6-hour jet lag). It’s nice to have people to talk to, actually. As for my “friends”, well there’s Isa and her husband and Marine. That makes three. I see them once a month, at best, and the rest of the time, I’m not in contact with them – no Facebook, no Twitter, no text messages, no emails either. I’m not complaining. I’m used to it. I’ve been living like this for years. Everything is fine except for one thing. I am completely responsible of what I do and of what I don’t do. What I miss is somebody who would check if I do what I’m supposed to do, or at least, remind me of these things. I need to be held accountable. I need to report to someone what I do for my studies, I need this person to make sure I do things. I know I’m not a teen anymore but it’s rather difficult when you are alone to get motivated and ‘stay’ motivated. I think also that for a time my clinical depression put everything on hold: I didn’t work for my thesis at all for several months, I simply couldn’t. Then, I kind of used it as an excuse for not working and now I’m at a stage where I don’t have any excuse for not studying but I have some difficulty to get back to my studies, and be motivated. I lost something on the way.

Random comments

January 18, 2011 Leave a comment

Another day stuck in my apartment. Today, we expect both snow and freezing rain on top of the 23.5 inches (59,69 cm) of snow we have had last time that haven’t melt down yet. Well, by -10°C (14°F), there’s few chances that it’ll melt, I know. *sigh*
I’m glad my parents came, I’m glad we talked a little my mother and I. I begin to understand that it helps to listen to other people’s view points. She told me that as long as I don’t move on with my life, I’ll be stuck. Argh, I don’t know how to put it into words. I need some big Big changes in my life to finally be able to say “good bye” to my depression. I need to turn the page and write a new chapter in my life and not new paragraph as I’ve done so far. Easier said than done. Especially for me who don’t really like changes much.
I understand what my mother meant and I know she’s right but I fear that I’m not strong enough (–> another ANT >.< ).
Tomorrow there’s the very first session of a therapy group at my university. I said that I’d be there (the guy called me on morning and woke me up, I was “yeah, yeah..sure..”) but I think I can do without it. Time to move on (a little). I don’t know what to do. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll show up at the first session, say “hi” and “goodbye” to everybody (there’ll be the members of my previous group therapy) and leave.

Almost hypochondriac

December 6, 2010 Leave a comment

I found online a page where a person had some doubts:

Rancid Pantaloons
I stumbled upon covert Narcissism in Wikipedia and I noticed that the personality description for covert narcissism is very similar to my own personality. It pretty much matched on all points. I also took some test that I found. The tests suggested that I am an covert narcissist.I stumbled upon it because some people in my life suggested that I lack empathy and I know it is true. I always try to compensate for it though. I really lack empathy and I have huge problems connecting with people. It is really painful to see how I really am so that makes me feel sorry for myself. There is so much more. I found a text file about the subject in my language and I did match most of the criteria. Is this something I should take seriously? Do you guys ever feel that you have an illness when you read about it? Maybe I am just stupid or weird? are there any way I can now for sure if there is something wrong with me? How can I get help for this kind of things?

I wouldn’t worry about it. When i was studying psychology we had to look at clinical assessments of various illnesses, there’s a big book with them all in, and they list the symptoms, if you have 75% of the symptoms then it was worth following up as a likely illness. And whenever you read them you think “that’s me!”.

I wish I’d read Yoj’s entry a long time ago. >.<  Indeed, it seems that these medical and clinical descriptions will all make us hypochondriac. At least it worked with me, and almost for “Rancid Pantaloons”. I was deeply convinced that I had avoidant personality disorder – I could have bet my life on it. I’m not joking. I could have also added several more disorders such as OCD, paranoïa and social anxiety (this last one might be true, but I don’t care). But! but!! I was right! ^_^ I had clinical depression! So there!
It seems that we could all be diagnosed with disorders. But in reality, we just have bits of this, bits of that but few do really have the real disorder. Those who are already too sensible can easily believe that they have a disorder. So gullible! If you ask me I’d tell you that they are not that gullible but .. I can’t find the word. It’s a sign of a pre-existing feeling of weakness,  I think.
I say that, but there’s a guy in our group who told us that he has been officially diagnosed and has Asperger’ syndrome. That is really Not cool.

How do you know that…

December 1, 2010 2 comments

… you’re not suffering anymore from clinical depression? Let’s see, I’ll copy/paste a list of the symptoms of depression and see if I still have them or not.

Symptoms of Depression:

  • Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
  • Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
  • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
  • Decreased energy, fatigue, being “slowed down”
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
  • Trouble sleeping, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
  • Appetite and/or weight changes
  • Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
  • Restlessness, irritability
  • Persistent physical symptoms, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain, which do not respond to routine treatment.

Okay. That’s pretty clear. Clearer, you can’t. Before, I had those in green. Wow. I deduce from this that I don’t have clinical depression anymore. How did I get rid of all these symptoms? In one word: medication. Nothing else. That’s why I am a little worried to stop taking my medication. I know I can’t take them for life – unfortunately – and I know that when I’ll stop it is very likely that I will feel the difference between with and without medication. I see it like going down a slide. I’ll just have to be extra careful and make the slide as short as possible. How do I plan to do that? Use all the tools that I know during the transition between with and without medication: meditation, gym, kick-ass music, the Overcoming Social Anxiety files, and a big big hammer to kill ANTS.

Right now, with the minimal dosage of medication (well, I still could cut the pill in two parts), I feel Great. Better than normal. I am was not a morning person at all. Actually my mother sent me a tin box (now my tea box) with the text: “Je ne suis pas du matin” (I’m not a morning person). Usually, I looked like that in the morning :

Things have changed a lot. Now, I feel always great (click). Even on mornings! I *play* under my shower with my shampoo. It has small green balls you crush while washing your hair. The game consists in squashing all the green balls. It is fun. It doesn’t sound like it but it is fun. And when, one morning, I used  by mistake the fixing  hairspray instead of the detangler spray on my wet tangled hair, I laughed! I was: “Ah! That’s not the “pssssshh” I was expecting to hear”.

In the meantime, I should set myself some sort of goals for the future – for both coming and far future because right now, my goals are rather limited: watch Bee Movie, go to the gym, run my errands. It won’t get me a long way in life, I know.